It seems in February I get the urge to post on this little blog that I started so long ago. I had such good intentions and it is so invigorating for me to be creative and yet I so rarely find time to do it. This year, I painted a few things and made a few cards but overall, I have just worked, kept house, chauffeured Conner around and tried to balance it all. How? I don't think I will ever understand how to balance.
Right now, I am struggling with relationships or maybe the lack of them to be more accurate. I am disillusioned with our church-going experience once again. I find it so disappointing to attempt to establish new relationships within our church body and having no reciprocation. Chuck and I have invited people to our home or out to eat on multiple occasions. I tried to start a ladies meeting that would center on getting to know each other and just spending time together. But, none of these gestures have resulted in returned interest or invitations. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel that people are purposefully rejecting us. It is just that everyone is busy, everyone has established relationships. People do not reach out - do not even return the reaching out that is extended to them. All of this is not much different than in the rest of the world. Just busy and self-centered lives. I too am often guilty of this way of existence. But the thing that is so just not working for me, is going to church and listening to all the teachings that center around a Christ - like life. Week after week we sit in our pews and listen to teaching about Christ and his life and what that demonstrated to us. We learn how he went to the homes of believers and shared meals with them, we learn how he was never too tired to have people around him. We learn how he demonstrated God's love to his disciples by investing time and openness in them. Then we arise from our pew, shake a few hands, go off to eat lunch alone and see each other at the next pew-gathering session. At least, when I am at work or the grocery store or the band parents meetings, people talk and laugh and then we all leave and go on our way but no one just spent an hour telling us how we should walk through life together and love and encourage each other only to continue going about life in our alone and selfish ways. I find the hypocrisy to be repulsive at times.
I realize this sounds so negative. I also realize that when I hear people talk like this, I often think that it has everything to do with their own choices. And I am not denying that my choices have a part to play here. The frustrating thing is that I can't figure out what I am doing wrong. I can't discern if I need to behave differently, expect less, join more organized activities and quite pursuing personal relationships or what?? I am really pretty tired of trying to figure it out. So, I am in "give-up" mode only I am trying to look at it as "surrender" mode. I have asked for revelation from God. I have asked Him to expose my wrong thinking or wrong attitude. I am open to seeing it differently. In the meantime, I am working on honoring the relationships he has placed in my life. I am accepting invitations and extending some. I am working on enjoying life as is.
We are not attending church right now. We are enjoying relaxing together, watching the birds at the feeder on Sunday mornings and focusing on how extremely blessed we are. I am currently looking for a book to read that may help lighten my negative thinking about relationships in churches. It's funny because no one except myself will read this but maybe it will be helpful for me to look back at this at some point. (next February), since that seems to be my blogging month. Maybe the Lord will add some light to this issue for me and I can share how it has evolved.